When We Can’t Prevent Pain

The mom of a teenage girl called me in tears. One of her daughter’s classmates had told mutual friends something about her daughter’s character that simply wasn’t true. This mom wanted to somehow protect her daughter from the pain of this situation. Unfortunately, we really can’t protect our children from this type of pain.

What we can do is give our children our support. We can listen to their struggles while avoiding trying to solve the problem for them. Allowing them to develop their own emotional resources to deal with unpleasant situations gives them the tools they need to succeed as adults.

Setting Limits with Babies

When do you need to start thinking about setting limits with your baby? As soon as your baby is capable of doing something that causes a problem or hurts someone, it’s time to set a limit. Behaviors that call for parents to set a limit range from throwing food off the highchair to pulling hair and biting.

When my son was 10 months old, he decided to crawl over to his 3-year-old sister and bite her. This certainly hurt and we definitely needed to help him learn that biting was not part of feeling safe together. So whenever he bit her, I’d gently pick him up, carry him to his room and place him on the floor while saying “Uh oh! It’s so sad you decided to bite Kristie.” The door was open so he could crawl back whenever he was ready.

As I left the room, he would start crying and of course Kristie was already crying from being bit. Yikes! The good news is that it only took him a handful of times to learn that biting always meant a trip to his room and he stopped biting her. He also never bit anyone else. Lesson learned!

Responding to tantrums with cuddling?

You know you need a new approach to handling your child’s misbehavior if that same misbehavior continues occurring or begins to escalate. One mom, Mary, described how frustrated she was when her 3-year-old daughter threw tantrums. Mary’s response was to spank her daughter but this didn’t seem to be causing the tantrums to decrease.

One day while her daughter was throwing yet another tantrum, Mary picked her up and held her. Her daughter immediately stopped crying. Mary felt terrible that she had been spanking her daughter when all she really wanted was a little attention. From then on Mary made a special effort to spend a little more time each day just cuddling her daughter and it worked wonders!

If you’re interested in exploring new ideas for more positively handling misbehavior, check out the Priceless Parenting Guidebook. Ideas for Handling Everyday Parenting Challenges:

Giving Thanks to Parents

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING

by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don’t.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I learned most of
life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I looked at you and
wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn’t looking."

Surprising research on children

The recently released book, NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, reviews some things researchers have learned about raising children – often counter to popular belief. For example:

• Specific praise is better than general praise in positively effecting children’s behavior. Children who are given general praise for their intelligence are less likely to choose challenging work in the future while children who are praised for their effort are more willing to choose a difficult task.

• Getting enough sleep is essential for learning to solidify and for children to do their best at school. NutureShock reports on research from Minnesota which found “Teens who received A’s averaged about fifteen more minutes sleep than the B students, who in turn averaged 15 more minutes than the C’s, and so on.”

• Teens who argue with their parents may be showing respect, not disrespect.

• Preschoolers who are given the opportunity to participate in structured role plays through the Tools of the Mind program developed the ability to focus and stay on task. These higher-order thinking skills led to significantly better academic test scores.

While the book isn’t prescriptive in telling parents how to change their behavior based on the reported research, parents will gain some interesting insights.

What's the tone of your home?

Parents play a lead role in setting the overall tone in their families. Parents whose overall tone tends to be negative often have homes filled with stress and tension. While parents who take a more positive approach create calmer, happier homes.

A Home Filled with Tension

One mom told me about all the stress in her home. One of her three sons was doing very poorly in school. She and her husband were constantly nagging Joe to do his homework although it didn't seem to help much. Sometimes Joe even skipped school and they responded by yelling at him and grounding him.

However, Joe would leave the house even though he was grounded. Home was not a welcoming place for Joe. This family turned things around when they made the tough decision to let Joe worry about his homework and grades instead of them. When they stopped nagging him, he started spending more time at home and he actually began taking more responsibility for his homework.

Replacing Negative Statements with Positive Statements

Sometimes parents get in the habit of interacting with their children using negative statements and commands. Read the following statements one dad made to his children and think about how you would feel if you were a child hearing these remarks:

• "You aren't going outside until you put sunscreen on."
• "Stop messing around with that!"
• "If you don't hurry up and get your shoes on, I'm not taking you."
• "You've already watched too much TV. You should not have turned it on again, now turn it off."
• "You're not eating dinner until you wash your hands."
• "You are dawdling and we're going to be late!"
• "Stop bugging your sister!"

How do you feel after reading these statements?

Let's look at how these same ideas could be expressed more positively:

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Orders disguised as questions

Parents sometimes use questions when what they are saying is really a statement, not a question. For example, when it was time to get ready for bed one mom asked her daughter, Anna, “Do you think it’s time to get ready for bed?” Believing she had a choice, Anna responded “No, it’s not time.”

When mom told her that in fact it was time to get ready for bed, Anna threw herself on the floor sobbing and complaining. This wasn’t exactly the result mom wanted! Mom may have gotten a better response had she either just stated it was time to get ready for bed or given Anna a choice like “Do you want to start getting ready for bed now or in two minutes?”

When we ask our children a question that indicates they have a choice when they really do not have a choice, we may unintentionally trigger an argument.